Hello beautiful people of the internet & beyond!
G-g-g-g-g-guess what y'all? I'M OUT OF JAIL BABY!
*again, lol...
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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I have a few things to say, a few things to share, a few things I am working towards, and just checking in on you...yes, YOU...darling surfer of the web. Aside from boring jail shit, that I want to make skits of, because i swear that kind of stuff 'wrote itself' while i was in there & regret not jotting down ideas, but am pretty sure i'll get the swing of it..im heavy feeling weight of not deserving anything good, im reflectin about the lack of love my family gave...or am i just entitled& over reacting to a pretty decent upbringing? i honestly feel like im in the middle, my fam tried, and so did I...but at the end of the day i think the lacking was in me... not them..... So here I still sit, not strong enough to get through these mental traps all day...thinking about how maybe i deserve to be in jail, and maybe theres a reason they never picked up when i called... but im not a "bad guy"...righttI want to get over my shyness, and lack of fallow through in terms of making content for the lovely people as well. Like, it's such a great idea to make fun of myself and developing as a person who not only doesn't take himself so seriously & can just have a good time as well...so i want to be a better hang.
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Prime example...im jail i had a weird experience trying to make people laugh about suicide, which if you don't know, is the ONE AND ONLY TOPIC you DON'T talk about in jail, for many reasons, which i wont get into for obvious reasons...but i painted a picture for them saying..."I want to tie cheese wire noose, put it on, get some super glue all over my hands and put my hand on the sides of my head around my ear-ish-area, and when i jump you'd find my body, and it would appear that i ripped my own head off..."there was not even a second of silence before i made the biggest mother fucker laugh INSTANTLY and HARD.
I felt so accomplished & complete...it was ecstasy... on a more somber & reflective part of me has to make an appearance as well... I'm sorry to anyone my alcoholism, self centered, has affected..i've been on the bottle sense I was pretty young, and even though the signs were everywhere - I chose to ignore my wake of destruction...Also, I thank from the bottom of my heart, all the people still here. Y'all da reel 1z.
I also checked out this app bigo, which is questionable as to it's main...point? its like a live video dating collabing site...thing? I think? but i'm going to check out all of the main streaming platforms for just vlogging and gaming and go from there me thinks.but apparently this is a way to make some dough...it's almost not fair.if what I was told. q Anyway, now as I write it's the 3rd day I've been out, due to a really gnarly sickness I had for 2 days...I hope it's done with now. *Fingers crossed. I'm kind of hanving an overwhelming set of feelings that are making it hard to do...well anything. I'm not sure where to put my energy, so im doing nothing...school stuff, music, ride to school I remebered i can't because of a flat tire, and have no money for a replacement, so it makes me want to apply for jobs, and that made me want to get a better computer, then i remebered I would like to reach out to everyone(I know who)and I'm ALSO just being lazy & might just want to start with the whole change my diet idea...Also I've been highly unmotivated in the sense that I can't make even so much as a list of true priorities....it's so dis empowering, like ccatching back up in school, job, creative, refueling from being sick, and trying to take care of projects...idk, im fucked.
Also, I wanted to highlight the meeting of a cell-friend, GREY.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3EQaxuSUos
I'm going to go for a long shot & just start riding into town.Not going to lie, I am having serious issues with finding purpose & drive to keep me going throughout the day, I used to rely on drugs for that, as well as other not so friendly coping mechanisms that litter my life. \if i keep being nothing in the same fashion that i've been sense I got out of jail again. Suicide is right around the corner, faggot. I just had a thought...the people that "run" the internet, meaning ISPs...what do they DO exactly? and how do i join their ranks?I ALSO AM thinking about the term 'outsider music' who is gatekeeping this shit? and if i try to make that kind of music, doesn't that defeat the purpose? is it just another way of saying not very musically talented but still having something to say? also, why does everything i do feel so cringey???? school, music, videos...when do i feel badass? and can i turn that into something i can dial into whenever i want? Gosh, I know it's a waste of time - could not have said it better myself. haha can i be the closing guy again? no problem here, I'll make sure of it bby c: <3 plzzzzzz
I'm gong to post this as a part 2
amenable /ə-mē′nə-bəl, ə-mĕn′ə-/