nieve 1 of 2 noun (1) ˈnēv variants or less commonly nief ˈnēf

this video contemplates the current mindset I've had for a while, feeling shameful for being a terriable being.

I don't really feel bad for anything other than being a complete fraud.

I get so mad, I've not had a job that i've  enjoyed for about 2 years now, and i'm really not enjoying being jobless....even gig-less. My thoughts are almost always something that resembles an escape. when one thing is in order, another is not....

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/p2tCPVfaF2M

i feel like this is using a red harring or some kind of loophole. I 've found that I really don't want to do music, and i can only "love" others the way everyone else does, not how i want to love. Finding some meaning in the world seems like it wont be found in the places I already know.

12/3/2023 

I'm supremely unmotivated, while still having taken Pucky for a walk & smiling a little bit this morning. 

I'm not sure where to put my energy today. I wish I had the persistence that Ronnie does when he plays piano, usually I'm that  way when I'm on guitar, and I'm not lately so that kind of messes with me. But at the end of the day, I'm in control of those parts of my life, no one else is.

12/20/2023 1:05AM 

https://youtube.com/shorts/XpsH6BINLlw?si=xOo-TnpJHhyA0Cd1

I'm sure that every platform is making fun of me in a not so subtle way. This  whole social engineering thing is kind'a getting old.

3:45AM,

I'm not good for him, and me being here is holding us both back from living the only life we get to live. 

Theres really not a single part in me that really 'needs' to love him, or just be here...

viewing the world in the way I do makes it feel like good things will last forever & the bad things i can subvert the weight of the guilt via dr.hugs, music, internet, food, poor spending choices, being lazy & having a smalkmods;fahslidufhusiadf

A BLOWING OF THE MIND HAS HAPPENED WATCHING THIS VIDEO.

 

 Listen here.

Only on indeed - I've applied to 84 jobs, fallowing up with 80% of them. (67 jobs) 

Only on ziprecruiter -  I've applied to 140 jobs sense April 8th, fallowing up with 43% (60 jobs) 

Also applying to around 50 jobs directly for some jobs that are actively hiring as well as "non-active" listing as well. 

Whatever the heck that means

Today I had the chance to paint myself in any I could possibly imagine. 

Instead, I did the most blunt, dumb, predictable & needy version of myself as possible. 

Met my counselor today many things were going through my head and you could REALLY tell, 

talk about being so gullible, so nieve.

Something like this I should do with a NEW board, 

but that is just an intrusive thought I just had...

 and I won't let it affect my decision making whatsoever.

Today I admit something to the world I no longer want to share being with; I'm super fake.  My real emotions are pretty much never on the existing plain so to speak.

I write my dreams down so I can remember them, but why would I do that if it's mostly just vivid nightmares & subconscious thoughts permeating my waking mind.    

Anyway, I didn't want to just unload all the baggage I'm carrying, 

I also wanted to pose myself some questions, share some good content, and share something musical. So here is the cool clip(s) first. 

I felt this videos freedom, just a dude out there putting down some rubber, going fast, watching the 

world zip by as the 

only thing separating 

keeping you

 graceful versus falling

 and eating shit - is a piece of wood 

with hardware & wheels. 

& here is the  URL 
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/xqws994Xq0s

L

Of course, as I'm watching a self help video it tell me not to post things like what I'm typing currently....like stop knowing me so well internet stranger!

My only real feeling is the want to be numb & wishing I had done something different.

Either way, I'm trying to slow down, 

find the pace that keeps me grounded whilst I scramble and run, like a chicken-with-his-head-cut-off. 

The wise words of Danny from tourrets guy.
"I WOKE UP AND I SAID...SHIT!"

12/2/2023

My most recent feelings have got me wondering what I'm going to do next, because I know they are true feelings & I've got to move on to the next chapter of my life, but instead I'm stuck in this ever cycling system of ups and downs knowing thatI'm not going to be here that much longer.

without a place to go I guess I'm fully ready to go into the world without fear...this whole time I've been trying to leave  out of fear, and I'm learning now that I don't have to be afraid.

Then immediately after  I have these feelings, I find there is a lot  of emotion I still feel for Ronnie....but it isn't love....i think....fuck...

I have no real drive to take care of myself because I am already taken care of, and I don't know where I want to go next.